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Ernie - The Fastest Milkman In The West
Bio Ernie - The Fastest Milkman In the West is a comic song written and performed by Benny Hill. It was released in 1970 and made the British Music charts, hitting #1 in 1971. Benny sang the song as the character Slim Whitmore on December 23, 1970. Lyrics You could hear the hoof beats pound As they raced across the ground And the clatter of the wheels As they spun round and round And he galloped into Market Street His badge upon his chest His name was Ernie And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west Now, Ernie loved a widow A lady known as Sue She lived all alone in Linley Lane At number twenty-two They said she was too good for him She was haughty, proud and chic But Ernie got his cocoa there Three times every week They called him Ernie (Ernie) And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west She said she'd like to bathe in milk He said alright sweetheart And when he finished work one night He loaded up the cart He said you wanted pasteurized 'Cause pasteurized is best She says Ernie I'll be happy If it comes up to me chest And that tickled old Ernie (Ernie) And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west Now, Ernie had a rival An evil looking man Called Two-Ton Ted from Teddington And he drove the baker's van He tempted her with his treacle tarts And his tasty whole meal bread And when she saw the size Of his hot meat pies It very near turned her head She nearly swooned at his macaroon And he said now if you treat me right You'll have hot rolls every morning And crumpets every night He knew once she'd sampled his layer cake He'd have his wicked way And all Ernie had to offer Was a pint of milk a day Poor Ernie (Ernie) And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west One lunchtime, Ted saw Ernie's horse and cart outside her door It drove him mad to find it was still there at half past four And as he leaped down from of his van Hot blood through his veins did course And he went across to Ernie's cart And he didn't kick his horse Who's name was Trigger (Trigger) And he pulled the fastest milkcart in the west Now, Ernie rushed out into the street His goldtop in his hand He said if you want to marry Susie You'll fight for her like a man So why don't we play cards for her He sneeringly replied, And just to make it interesting We'll have a shilling on the side Now, Ernie dragged him from his van And beneath the blazing sun They stood there face to face And Ted went for his bun But Ernie was to quick Things didn't go the way Ted planned And a strawberry-flavoured yogurt Sent it spinning from his hand Now, Sue she ran between them And tried to keep them apart And Ernie pushed her aside And a rock cake caught him underneath his heart And he looked up in pained surprise As the concrete hardened crust Of a stale pork pie caught him in the eye And Ernie bit the dust Poor Ernie (Ernie) And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west Ernie was only fifty-two, he didn't want to die Now, he's gone to make deliveries In that milkround in the sky Where the customers are angels And ferocious dogs are banned And a milkmans life is full of fun In that fairy dairy land But a woman's needs are many fold And Sue she married Ted But strange things happened on their wedding night As they lay in their bed Was that the trees a rustling Or the hinges of the gate Or Ernies ghostly goldtop a rattling in their crate They won't forget Ernie (Ernie) And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west Episode(s) * Opportunity's Knocking Category:Songs Category:1970 Songs